What Was She Thinking?

(Editors note: These are the thoughts and opinions of our daughter regarding a well-known adoption book. The title and author have been removed as truly the book itself is not the point of sharing this discourse. It is our desire for other adoptive parents to have a glimpse into the heart and mind of a RAD child who has been raised in a Christian family for 13 years and is loved by her parents though she does not love them back. What we hope you discover is, though she will not embrace our God, she has embraced many principles we teach. And though we admit she has an angry tone to her discourse, it is the first time we were able to see her true heart regarding her position on adoption.)

A few days ago I was sitting in the living room, bored and unsure of what to do next. I happened to glance at the bookshelf full of adoption books, collected over the years of my parents adoption career. An idea hit. I thought it might be interesting to read one and find out what people thought of, and taught about adoption. Being a fifteen year old adoptee, I've been through the process and have culminated many ideas of my own. I shared the idea with my mom and she gave me a book by...(Editors note: title and author have been removed.) Mom said she'd be interested to know what I though of it and I was too.

So, I took a seat and began to read. What I found in that small book, completely surprised and frustrated me. I couldn't believe some of the things she was writing! When I told Mom some of my frustration, she suggested that, since I'm a writer, I take notes. So I did. I've come up with 20 different areas where I disagree with author, and I've used my past experiences to come up with the following 20 points.

Point #1. The first thing that caught my attention in this book, was the way the author referred to the kids with RAD or reactive attachment disorder. (Just as a side note, I'm a RAD child!) She calls them (us) disturbed, ab-normal, sick, un-healthy, and more, as if we were aliens from Mars or kids with some kind of disease. RAD isn't a disease! She also says that other kids (most likely one that aren't adopted) are healthy and normal! I bet she never even considered that a birth-child has just as much chance of being a 'RAD child', as an adopted kid does! But seriously! Going around telling people that their kid is sick in the head because they don't love you, will only cause that kid to resent you all the more. Has she ever considered that if you actually treated your child like a normal person (yet still kept boundaries to make sure they don't disobey) they might actually step up to the plate and prove themselves? A kid who knows you think of them as animals won't even bother trying to earn your respect; you've already proved what you think of them.

Point #2. You do NOT need a therapist! The author implied that one was absolutely necessary, but I completely disagree! Seriously people! Your child is just learning to attach to you as their parents and you go and throw in a therapist who knows nothing about your kid or your family, and you think it's going to help? If you need a therapist to raise your so-called 'sick' kids, then why don't you need a therapist to train your other  'healthy' children? The therapist is the professional, so they should obviously be the ones raising your kids, because you are totally under-qualified! You don't have a degree in psychology, so you can't possible know how to train your own children! Really? That's just crazy!

Point #3. Just because a child wasn't loved from birth, does not mean that they are incapable of showing love! Try applying that logic elsewhere. For example, let's say that from your child's birth to their third year, you didn't once show anger or frustration towards him. Does that now mean that your child is completely incapable of showing anger themselves? You wish! Just because your child (either adopted or birth) refuses to love you, does not mean they are incapable. Have you considered that your child might refuse to bond with you simple because he is a bratty little kid? Just a thought.

Point #4. I noticed that the author often said not to ask the question why, and merely focused on outward behavior only. I believe that simply focusing on the exterior behavior of your child and ignoring the 'why' (editors note: heart) is ridiculous! If you never get to the core of why something is happening (temper-tantrums, etc.) how will you ever stop it? Sure, if your kid throws-up, for instance, and you make them clean it up, in time, they may stop throwing-up purposefully. And, if your goal is to simply stop the outward behavior, then congratulations! You did it! But if your purpose is to find why your child is doing something, merely making them clean it up is not going to help.

Point #5. I found that the author thought it necessary that parents attend some sort of training session before attempting to train their child. I find nothing wrong with seeking advice from those more learned than yourself, but to say that it's necessary? Each child is different, and therefore you might have to slightly tweak your training for each. The government doesn't know your kids! That's why they're your children in the first place!

Point #6. The author often referred to the parents as 'awesome' and 'powerful'. While I agree that you as parents deserve your child's honor and obedience, that doesn't mean your kid is going to like it. By telling you you're awesome beings, deserving of praise, the author is bordering on saying you're the master and your child's your slave. In a technical sense, the slave-master relationship is true. But if the goal is to gain the heart of your child, telling them to treat you like a mini-god is not the best of ideas.

Point #7. Something I found crazy about the author, is she says saying "Yes, ma'am" or "No, sir" makes a kid feel unwanted. Excuse me? I've been saying "Yes, sir" to my dad for the past thirteen years and not once have I felt 'un-wanted' because of it. It implanted in my mind the fact that my parents are in-charge and I am to respect them.

Point #8. Another thing I found crazy is all the talk about schedules, especially with the author's so-called 'snuggle-time'. It's not scheduled! It just happens! When living in the midst of a family, snuggle-time or one-on-one conversations aren't planned for 'such-and-such a time on next Tuesday'. Seriously! Life isn't lived by the clock or your calendar.

Point #9. When you prepare a meal, your child eats it! They don't get sent away to have 'quiet-time' because they refused to eat. Even if they don't like what your serve, you still have to make them at least eat another few bites to prove that they MUST obey you. Don't give them control!

Point #10. When your child develops a habit (such as hiding food, which the author discusses), do you honestly think by giving them food to hide you're going to help them? They will only think you approve of what they are doing!

Point #11. When your child continues to throw-up their meal, you have to ask yourself, are they really sick? Or is something else going on? Children who have been starved and underfed will probably resort to stuffing themselves until they are sick. But guess what? If you serve regular meals and make raiding the kitchen against the rules, your child will have no chance to gorge themselves! And when they continue throwing-up, even after the above precautions? Go deeper, Have you ever thought maybe (just maybe) your child has a wicked heart and simply throws-up because they aren't getting their way? Really guys! You can trust me on this one; I have experience!

Point #12. Telling your child not to ask curiosity questions is not a good idea. Questions are a way of communication. When your child engages you (of his/her own free will) to ask a question is normally a good thing.

Point #13. When a child throws a fit, you NEVER just let them do it or even play along! Can't you see that you are only encouraging them? Also, alone time isn't always the best idea. If you don't fight for your child through their emotions, they won't respect you. If you leave them to themselves, their will only get angrier and harder as they convince themselves that they are in the right.

Point #14. Saying that your child won't trust you because you spank them is ridiculous! If you tell them you're going to spank them when they disobey, then spank them. Oh my word! They won't trust you because you actually kept your word?!

Point #15. Okay, saying a kid won't have friends until they attach to their parents is so wrong! I had the exact opposite problem. I had great relationships with friends and even strangers, but I hated being with my parents. I do agree that a child should develop an attachment to their parents, first and foremost. But saying that they are incapable of making friends until that happens is completely wrong.

Point #16. I don't believe it's a must for a child to receive 'eight hugs a day' as the author puts it. "Touch is so vital, humans actually die without it." Are you serious? I rarely get touched and I'm alive! You could hug your kid ALL DAY LONG, and they will never change! I do agree that you should hug your children. But as a teenager, I'd prefer a one-on-one conversation any day. It could vary between children. But to say touch is vital for survival with all children is not exactly right. Again, trust me, I have experience!

Point #17. To say that homeschooling your RAD kid will only make your bonding harder is just crazy! If you're trying to bond with your child, one of the BEST WAYS to do that is by homeschooling. This is because they are with you all day, not some teacher who they don't know. Homeschooling gives you the opportunity to spend as much time with your child as possible. And it also gives you, as the parent, control over exactly what your child is learning.

Point #18. I completely disagree with giving your daughter birth-control pills! That's crazy! You're teaching your child in the course of their life not to steal, lie...or kill. And then you just go and give your daughter a pill that murders! Despite what you may call it, it is murder, and you've just undone all the teaching you've given on the preservation of life! If they have your full consent (and even help) to fornicate and then murder a child, (Editors note: she means through abortion of possible zygote, the fertilized egg.) how can you tell them not to murder another person? How can you say one is right and the other is wrong, when they are technically the same thing?

Point #19. I agree that you shouldn't always dwell in the past, but saying that bringing up past mistakes (not even past trauma) is traumatizing? Perhaps for some. But I believe that looking back on past mistakes can help you in the present. If your kid sees the consequences of that past decision, they may choose to do differently the next time. I also think it's encouraging to look back and see how far you've come. It makes you feel as if you're progressing instead of being bogged down in the same old stuff.

Point #20. As my final point, I think it's important to say, I don't think keeping a relationship with your child's birth-family is a good idea. When they make the transition from that family to yours, they are letting go of their old family. Besides, if your child's biological family is giving them up to you, then the obviously don't care enough about the child to do what it takes to care for them. So, since they don't want their own child, I don't think you should remain in contact or fellowship with them.

Conclusion. Over all, I believe the author has a good motive for writing her book; wanting to help families with RAD kids. But I believe she goes about it from the completely wrong side. Not to be disrespectful, but from some of the things she writes, you'd think she knew next-to-nothing about adopted kids with RAD. Being one myself (a RAD kid and adopted) I know a lot about the things she speaks on and I also know how wrongly she portrays them. Yes, love your kids! But to say hug more, talk less? If I had to choose one thing in the past thirteen years of  my adopted life which helped me most, it would be the conversations I've had with my parents.

The End
January 2012